I Almost Let Go!
A year in review is always something people will take the time to watch, listen, and talk about. Top 40 of the year. Top 10 of the week. Best of the 80's. To many to name but you get my drift. As a year ends and a new year begins people will analyze the past. As a member of photogen,(the photo generation) I reviewed my pictures and my life at a glance. It made me smile, cry, and laugh all at the same time.
I don't feel that I am weak for saying that I really wanted to let go. I didn't focus on what was happening to me I was just tired of Always being strong, Always having to understand, Always having to be the bigger person, and Always having to learn a lesson. I wanted things to be the way I wanted and go how I saw the plan with absolutely no deviation whatsoever. Saying it now, or typing it rather it seems hilarious.
I had an entire two year span, of the plan in my mind not working. For some reason I didn't focus on the mess I was in. I was so focused on the plan. It took for me to suffer multiple stomach infections to realize that my healing was directly related to mental state. My mental state was too busy being concerned with the mess around me that I couldn't (didn't) focus on me. I learned the lesson the hard way. I was forced to sit. I sat still for six months, on my back, drains connected, surrounded by the wrong energy and my body was paying the price for it. I had an in your face this is what the wrong things, people, and places can do to you if you let them.
(graphic photos included)
What I loved the most is I can see in the images the changing in my healing and I know where my mind was during each of these phases. The first fake smile was full of fear. I had no clue what was wrong with me but I was alone. They removed my bandages. What was once healed skin from staples looked like a disgusting rotten hole (it smelled like it too). By the second selfie, probably 2 weeks later I convinced myself that I was not going to stay in a funk. I wasn't sure how convinced I was, but honestly being upset that I was still dealing with a horrible marriage was doing nothing for my healing. When I started to let go of the anger and made sure that the revolving door of bullshit was no more, my stomach started to look a whole lot better. The third selfie was the Oprah moment. I realized that my theory was correct. I started paying attention to me. The fourth selfie, I'm back in the hospital again but I'm comfortable. No fear. I know better. My healing is better. 4 days and I was out of there. By the last selfie, my hole was almost closed. I'm still feeling the after effects but I knew what I came through and I know what got me through.
There was a whole lot...... a whole lot of crying during the six months. So much doubt because of life decisions made. In the midst of all of it I reminded myself how resilient I was. I have always been able to rebound. Mr. Uncalled for himself was just as fictitious as his stories and totally absent from my mind, my space, and no longer draining my energy. The battle wasn't over, I just reminded myself that I knew how to play!
When Monday Comes know that the test isn't the test, the test is how you navigate when you are being tested!
#stregth #relationship #healing #surgery #hysterectomy #fibroids #always #sick #illness #mentalhealth #physicalhealing #stomach #stomachdrains #letitgo #photgengeneration #talkaboutit #badrelationships